The problem with praise- being a supportive and empowering parent without reward schemes

As parents and cycle breakers we put a great importance on positive speaking around our children. Many of us have seen the cartoon illustration depicting generations talking down to their children with the last parent in line projecting 'I love you' towards their young child engaged in play. With such low self-esteem, self-worth and experiences of impostor syndrome amongst parents wanting to do better for their children, it's no surprise that many choose to shower their children in praise as a way of proving their unconditional support. We want them to believe that they are amazing little people; that their efforts are noted and that we beam with pride for everything they accomplish. This can all be true, however the ways in which we express this can also have the opposite effect than we actually intend.

As we are all aware, lack of encouragement and on-going outright criticism has a negative effect on the self-esteem and so a discussion seemingly condemning praise might not make much sense. Praise isn't inherently bad, and I'm not saying there aren't ways of positive praising, it would just appear that praise is a more complex relationship than we have previously believed.

Appraisal of your children is not the problem; we can instead look at the difference between praise, inflated praise and ability-focused praise.

Inflated praise

Inflated Praise refers to the over exaggeration of our initial opinion on something a person has achieved. A child presents you with a painting they've enjoyed doing and your immediate response is to tell them it's the best picture you have ever seen. On the surface this seems like a lovely statement. I mean, who wouldn't want to hear that they did something and somebody else, someone who's opinion they trust and hold to high regard, thinks it's the best version of it that they have ever seen? The problem is now how do you top it? And when does that same phrase, or a similar phrase about it being perfect, begin to feel insincere?

Inflated praise has been said to have a particularly adverse effect on children with already low self-esteem. Research has suggested that these children are more likely to read this praise as an expectation to continue to meet high standards which can ultimately cause them to avoid crucial learning experiences or situations in which they might be evaluated¹. Praising children for objectively straightforward tasks can also backfire. As they begin to comprehend the simplicity of activities it implies we have low expectations of them. Although we might want them to know we are proud of them for anything and everything they do, that we are just unconditionally proud by default, this inflated praise to a child can indicate that we actually don't see them as very capable people.

"Western parents often give children overly positive, inflated praise. One perspective holds that inflated praise sets unattainable standards for children, eventually lowering children's self-esteem (self-deflation hypothesis). Another perspective holds that children internalize inflated praise to form narcissistic self-views (self-inflation hypothesis)."²

The findings from the study quoted above supported the self-deflation hypothesis in children with low self-esteem and partly supported the self-inflation hypothesis in children with high self-esteem.

Ability focused praise

This type of praise focuses on qualities portrayed as personality traits that the person has no control over. For example telling a child 'you're so smart' creates a fixed mindset where the focus is on being smart; this can lead to the child only participating in things with a sure outcome that can further prove that fact. Children need to be open to opportunities for growth which includes the experience of failure. Positivity culture, though perhaps initially well intentioned limits the full human experience and, in that, the childhood experience and chance of becoming a well-adjusted adult.

Certain methods of praise also risk changing the motivation for doing something, even something a child may have initially enjoyed. Praise charts for example such as star charts have become a popular way of 'managing' a child's behaviour. Many parents will argue that this does work and often it can lead to compliance; this may be true for short term purposes. However, moving away from the goal of compliant and well-behaved children, when we deconstruct the theory behind this sort of praise we can see how, to the child, the extrinsic reward transcends the initial, and arguably far more important internal gratification they would already be getting. For example a child who would likely enjoy reading, upon being praised or rewarded for finishing books would naturally conclude that reading is not a pleasurable activity, it is instead a task to complete. The goal is no longer to read and enjoy books, it is to get the reward from finishing one.

Scrutinizing praise charts further we can also see how they could often very easily bring shame. A star chart for how many nights a young child doesn't wet the bed may feel like positive reinforcement for every dry night they have, but the exclusion of the shiny sticker on the morning after they didn't wake for the toilet can feel a lot like punishment. The same can be said of star charts for behaviour. Children are human beings and can have 'bad' days; the existence of a chart that defines their worth for that day means that bad days are punishable and sets the expectation of suppressing their emotions. As children can't regulate their emotions (and, let's be honest, many adults lack that skill too-myself included), outbursts and experimenting with where to put their anger and upset is hindered by expecting them to hold space to consider the star or smiley face they so desperately want.

Overall, placing the importance on another persons approval above the child's own can lessen their self confidence as their worth is being more and more set on someone else's reaction to their accomplishments. Praising our children, for cycle breakers especially, can feel like the one thing we are certain is right because it seems like the most obvious way to build their confidence. We don't want children who make themselves smaller and grow into people pleasers which is what so often happens when we receive too little approval growing up or too much criticism. However it is clear that the overcompensation so many of us have now turned to can have the same effect. The goal is to raise children who are secure enough within themselves to be proud of their own accomplishments without reliance on external gratification (even though we will always cheer them on).

Praise has a deep effect on people and that is why it's so important to be careful of the kinds of praise we give to children. We want them to feel empowered and capable; we want them to know we acknowledge them and their progress, but we don't want them basing their worth and decisions on whether or not we will be impressed. There is such a thing as good praise; healthy praise and the language we use matters. I have often been met with surprise when I say that I actively avoid using the phrase 'good girl' when talking to my daughter. Working in an early years setting it's something I hear countless times a day and often parents will ask if their children have been 'good'. This isn't because they're bad parents, nor are my colleagues bad childcare providers or early years educators. It is instead just a consequence of compliance based nurture that most people haven't questioned, because on the surface it feels like a nice thing to be telling somebody. It's normal and seemingly harmless. I have two problems with it; the first of course being that I do not believe a child's 'goodness' is determined by their obedience or how palatable their behaviour is to the adults around them. The second is because the language is dull. For all you could be telling a child of how considerate their actions were, of how creative they are being, how helpful that was, that you appreciate their mindfulness we are opting for 'good'.

Changing a mindset that has been established within us from even our own infancy and childhoods can be challenging but if you do want to start altering your language, here are a few examples of when and how you can apply that.

1. Acknowledge their process rather than the product. Instead of saying 'I love your drawing; it's the most amazing picture I've ever seen', tell them 'I see you've worked really hard on this' or 'you've been really creative'. You can compliment the picture by telling them what you like about it rather than just telling them 'it's amazing'. With children able to communicate it, I find it nice to hear what they are proud of in their art. I will always ask my daughter if she is proud of herself before going into any sort of opinion of my own. Asking them 'what is your favourite part', 'do you like what you've made' and 'what inspired you to do this?' can spark further creativity for their own enjoyment as opposed to looking for outside fulfilment.

2. Recognise and praise improvement. Instead of saying 'you can count to 20, you're so clever' try showing them that you appreciate their growth by saying 'last time we did this you counted to 10 and now you can count to 20!'. Focusing on raising children with a growth mindset can help to maintain a love of learning in different areas of life; ultimately nurturing qualities that can guide them in both academic success and also empathy and the willingness to allow their own beliefs to evolve.

3. Be more concise with your proud of them for rather than just calling them good. 'That was very generous of you', 'Thank you for being helpful'.

4. Appreciate their efforts when they're learning something new. Instead of saying 'great job' you could say 'that was a very thoughtful answer' or 'I really like how you resolved that'.

5. You can also talk to them about what you admire in them without limiting it to their abilities. For example, instead of (or as well as) saying 'you did really well at rugby practice' you can simply tell them that you love watching them play. Sharing with your child that you just enjoy the time you spend together is important and using phrases that are not associated at all with praise help to maintain a healthy bond in your relationship. If the only positive engagement you have with your child comes with praise then it creates the idea that there is always evaluation; that a child is being judged in everything they do even if the outcome of that judgement is positive.

Ensuring your children know how loved and valued they are is not reliant on the use of constant inflated praise. You don't have to stop showering them in affection in order to avoid the risk of raising either end of a narcissistic to insecure spectrum. Tell them they are loved and cherished, they are the centre of your universe and that they bring you so much joy; tell them that their very existence warms even your coldest days. Tell they they are safe and held and unconditionally adored and that you love who they are and who they continue to become. We are not rationing love here. We are not withholding affection or entertaining the idea that supressing the love we have for our children would somehow raise healthier adults. We are learning how to properly express that love and pride and we are unlearning a whole lot more. Because really we all know that parents have always loved their children, it's how they've chosen to show that, or often how they've failed to show that, that has been the problem. We can only be open to new information and hope to break a few curses along the way.

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¹ Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998).

Praise for intelligence can undermine children’s motivation and

performance. Journal of Personality

and Social Psychology

² When Parents' Praise Inflates, Children's Self-Esteem Deflates, Eddie Brummelman, Child Development November/December 2017, Volume 88, Number 6, Page 1799